The scientific community is reveling this week in light of stunning new research that reveals some truth in an old wives tale. A commonly held belief among women ages thirteen to twenty two is the idea that the dominant hand is related to the positioning of certain parts of the male anatomy; more specifically the testicles. The theory goes that if a man is left handed his right testicle will hang lower than his left, and visa versa. However, there has never been any concrete scientific evidence to lend any credence to this claim.
Meet testicular behaviorists Dr. Titsy McLure and Dr. Twisted Vagabond of SBMB, neither of whom has ever been to medical school. With the help of their savvy research team they were able to bring forth the key information that provides validity to this long held myth. Through highly advanced research far too complex to explain in this article and the cooperation of a willing test subject (who, out of respect for his privacy, will be referred to as David McFarlan at 1249 Willowdale street, San Jose, Ca. 95642), the crew was able to determine that the left testicle on a right-handed man does indeed hang lower than its counterpart.
"The lower ball is what we refer to as the 'Alpha Ball', or more dominant ball," explains Dr. McLure. However, even this statement is up for
"Why is the lower ball the Alpha Ball?" questions Dr. Penis, whose name has nothing to do with her career in urology.
"To call the lower ball the dominant ball is ludicrous!" argues Dr. Ethan Member. "You wouldn't call a peasant the alpha male over the king, would you? Essentially this is the same thing. These crackpots expect the public to believe the alpha ball would allow the lesser ball the hang above it. The Alpha Ball should be on top! It is higher in rank than the other ball and therefore should be positioned as such."
Others argue that it is not a matter of top or bottom, but rather
"It stands to reason that the larger ball would be the dominant ball," states fellow scientist Dr. Joyce Cumalot.
'But what if they're the same size?" one of our curious journalists inquired. After a brief pause, Dr. Cumalot responded accordingly, yelling "fire!" and running off stage.
Despite debate regarding the Alpha Ball, this research is opening all sorts of doors within the realm of testicular research. Now the possibility of penis curvature being related to the dominant hand as well is being called into question, and, as expected, top research facilities already have scientists on it.
"We call it the 'Crooked Wang' theory," comments Dr. McLure.
"This discovery has brought not only the scientific community, but womankind as well, to a much higher plane of understanding," concludes Dr. Vagabond. "With what we're learning about the penis, women will no longer suffer the emotional unrest of trying to accurately measure the distance between a man's thumb and forefinger from across the room- and wondering all the while if it's really worth it. We're here to say: don't give up hope. Next on the agenda: the Big Hands/Big Feet theory."
The Scientists have already resigned themselves to spending many a sleepless night at the local strip club. Anything in pursuit of scientific advancement.