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"Article" -- Twisted Vagabond & Titsy McLure


"Halloween" -- Leia T.
"Dragon's Lair" -- Dragon
"Boydism Pt. 3" -- Melisus
"This Pig Has 22 Brushes" -- Random Thoughts Girl
"Top 10 Things to do While SBMB is Down" -- Cassy
"Article" -- Twisted Vagabond & Titsy McLure

An epidemic has been sweeping the nation, an epidemic that is going unheeded and overlooked as it devastates the very heart of America and leaves behind only pain and severe psychological impairment. Most are unaware of the imminent danger they're in until it's too late. Some don't even know they've been victimized until the scars resurface years after the damage has been done. Others are afraid to speak out against it, feeling as though it was their own fault, that they somehow deserved it. This epidemic is the detriment and torment that occurs when parents divulge intimate details about their personal lives to their teenage children. When a teenager goes off to college, it is an emotional upheaval for all involved; Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Sparky, Mr. Boots, Goldie, Dads secretary Bambi, Moms special friend Pam, and the peeping tom next door. Parents are forced to accept the fact that their children are grown up, and for what ever reason, they feel the need to reconnect with them, not as Mom and Dad, but as fellow adults. During this time, deeply personal facts are revealed, facts that should never be brought to light. Facts that can never be taken back or denied. Facts like how your mother had the squirts on her first date with your father. The inevitable result is much suffering all around. Take, for instance, Titsy's story. Titsy was a vibrant young woman with an optimistic outlook on life, a promising future, a strapping boyfriend named Jacque who spoke in a really cool foreign accent, and a golden retriever who urinated with childlike glee whenever she entered a room- she had it all. Despite the cruel name bestowed upon her at birth, she defied the odds and lived an emotionally stable life. But all of that changed in one fateful moment, when she was blindly sucked into a discussion about the ethics of circumcision with her mother. No reasonable human being could look at this situation and think that everyone was going to come out happy, healthy, and chemically balanced, but Titsy didn't think it could happen to her. Within moments, the conversation went from uncircumcised penises to her stepfather's uncircumcised penis. "It happened so fast..." commented Titsy. "Next thing I knew...she was telling me about how he has to pull the foreskin back to wash it every morning...and...-" She was unable to comment further due to uncontrollable weeping. But the pain didn't end there. Even when Titsy was shriveled up and gangrenous and twitching, her mother, for what ever ungodly reason, closed the discussion with, "It looks funny when it's cold." "I lost something that day..." Titsy stated, her voice faltering as she held back the tears. "I innocence...that I can never get back." Immediately after this statement Titsy excused herself to take a shower. Today, Titsy lives in Mexico, where she makes sweaters out of dryer lint and glue and tries to sell them to tourists. This contagion is not specific to girls named Titsy. It can happen at any time, in any place, to anyone. Just ask T.V. "My mother and I were painting my room," T.V. stammered. "It all seemed so innocent." In a recent study by Doctors Vagabond and McLure, it was determined that the majority of these types of conversations take place in the midst of a parent/child chore session. Had this been discovered earlier, T.V. might have been prepared for the conversation that ensued. "She said that... she told me... I mean it's not like I asked..." T.V. was at first unable to communicate the devastation, but with careful prodding...with a cattle-prod...she finally blurted, "SHE TOLD ME MY FATHER WAS WELL ENDOWED!" We were unable to receive further comment, as she flung herself onto the floor, writhing violently and shrieking "I CAN'T LOOK AT HIM THE SAME!!!" at the top of her lungs. She was escorted out of the room by her shrink and a crew of trained medical personnel back to Crazy Acres Asylum for the Criminally Insane. However, her court ordered residency at the institution has nothing to do with the story just relayed. Something about trying to mate with a squirrel to create the first human-squirrel hybrid baby, we don't know... This situation is increasingly common among our society as parents feel the need to become "hip" in order to relate to their child. They are under the misguided impression that in order to do so, certain details pertaining to their sex lives and partners' genitalia must be revealed or else their teenager will not take them seriously and be lost forever to a trendy self-destructive subculture and sacrifice their babysitting charges to Moondoo, the Goddess of Orange Soda. While these fears are valid, parent-approach needs fine tuning or else the damage they cause will surpass that of Moondoo, the Goddess of Orange Soda. Support groups are being set up around the nation and several other countries, including Canada, Hungary, and parts of the U.K. "Our goal is to help these afflicted teens overcome the strife and emotional suffering caused by these sorts of instances. We want them to get their lives back," says Dr. Chuckles of the Crazy Acres Asylum for the Criminally Insane, who is the founder of one such group. "We know we can't reach everybody, but if we've saved one then that makes what we're doing worth the effort." And so it is with heartfelt urgency that we send out a plea to the parents of America. We are on our knees. Really, we are. It's really hard to type this way... We beg of you, for the emotional well-being of your children, please...please, keep it to yourselves.