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Badgerstaff Wheneverly : Volume 2, Issue 2

The Bloody Pirate Show Co. presents: A Special Report By Jessi the One of the Bloody Pirate Scroll

(transcript provided by Badger Communications, Inc.)

*clears throat*

It seems that violence in Scotland has all but tripled over the past two years. Many residents cannot comfortably step outside of their homes without passing several groups of fans foaming at the mouth. Witty remarks and outright jest seem to run rampant throughout the country. Is there anything that can be done?

We will now go to our correspondent live in Scotland.

Camera pans to the green hills of Scotland.

The days are crowded with people traveling from the home to the work place. The nights, however, are filled with fear and uncertainty. A large group of members that refer to themselves as the SBMBers has descended upon the city of Glasgow. It seems that the violence already taking place is but a small taste of what is yet to come.

Sources say that random sightings in the streets have included rock throwing citizens and screaming fan girls.

Camera turns to a balding man with only three teeth

Correspondent: Now, MacGregor, many people around the city of Glasgow have all but locked themselves within their homes. What do you think about this?

MacGregor: I only leave for the pubs when me wife’s been nagging at me and I need a good ole hit o’ something hard. Clears me mind a bit.

Correspondent: Have you noticed any strange and unusual sites?

MacGregor: Most the time, don’t see no one. Just pass out in the pub til me ole’ wifey comes an’ drags me home.

Camera flashes back to correspondent

Residents here have already encountered several acts of violence. Many are even afraid to step outside of the security of their own homes. Police fear that not even locked doors will protect the citizens of Glasgow from these rabid SBMBers until their goals have been met.

Camera flashes to what appears to be a policeman

Policeman: We’ve had cases where rocks have been thrown into car windows, people’s homes. Even at random strangers. One woman curiously found stale muffins on her door step.

Camera flashes to correspondent

Many residents fear the increased violence and are questioning the authorities’ power to control the outbreak.

Many people talk about the possible causes of such violence. However, many authorities speculate it may be caused by an actor who lives in these parts.

Camera flashes to a group with buckets of rocks in their hands and the faces blurred out

One anonymous participant replied, “It’s a ritual we do. It’s purely out of love. It’s a bonding experience. Whatever you want to call it.”

Whatever it is, it seems to have been ignited by the leaking of important top-secret information.

Though still only a theory, many of these group members say that a mobile number was decoded after long arduous hours of work. Until the riot is controlled, sources will not release the name of the groups’ targeted victim.

As one member said politely, “I’d only like to get my bra back.”

More updates soon as this breaking story continues.

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