Why SBMB Wont Get You Through College By: Emily
Stockholm Syndrome Sean by:Peachers
Random Thoughts of a Prune By: Meabo
A Special Report By Jessi the One of the Bloody Pirate Scroll
Poetry - Steady Stream of Tears by: Amber
Why SBMB Wont Get You Through College By: Emily
The Sean Campaign 2004 By: Amber B
How to Get Yourself an Amish Husband: By Jeffy Bean
Badgerstaff Wheneverly : Volume 2, Issue 2

Why SBMB Won’t Get You Through College

By Emily

One lazy Tuesday afternoon as you sit at your desk attempting to find derivatives for your calculus homework, you realize such behavior is not lazy at all. I don’t know when I’ll ever use derivatives in real life, you think bitterly. Math isn’t nearly as fun as, say, pelting rocks at a British actor. In fact, math isn’t fun. To use an archaic adjective of the Arseish tongue, math is… math. After reflecting on these contemplations, you decide to do something easier. Something more fun and less stressful. Something that, contrary to the beliefs of one technologically perplexed individual, does not require the use of a toaster.  


You decide to log on to SBMB. A visit to the main page is not necessary; you simply click the WebBoard bookmark on your Favorites list and wait for the site to materialize. The familiar screen emerges, listing a multitude of unread threads to the left and a handy New Messages stat to the right so as to inform you of just how long it will take you to return to the World of Calculus. You take your time perusing the list of topics that magnetize your gaze with their aesthetically appealing red font. There are hundreds of discussions to choose from, though your intuition warns against clicking anything mentioning Sean saved my summer! or OMFG Shan went 2 Los AnGeliss n eye hav so been ther!!!11! 


Eventually I Blame Sean catches your eye. After a number of posts detailing tragic events that were undoubtedly caused by the crooked-tie-wearing thespian in question, the conversation gradually shifts to a more random subject matter, like how hot Fion is or how Ness has yet to receive THE turtleneck. You reply, commenting on Sean’s lack of reliability for delivering clothes/personal items/locks of hair/mobile numbers. This process continues for another hour or so, as you sit reading posts and occasionally choking on your Cheez-Its as a result of a witty quip made by Kroots or TV. As you fumble about your desk in search of a water bottle to assist in the cessation of said choking, you inadvertently stab your wrist with a neglected pencil and are startled by the realization that your calculus has not completed itself.  The afternoon has not proved to be productive by your math professor’s standards, thus after several more weeks of these afternoons your GPA is generally considered to be lackluster.


An abnormally ambitious and motivated individual may see a red flag at that point and isolate his/herself from the Internet entirely.  These types of human may become resolute about getting back on track, going above-and-beyond, surpassing the achievements of their peers and discovering a cure for the common cold. But you are not an abnormally ambitious and motivated individual; you are an SBMBer, dammit!  In this spirit, you actively put off all final papers, class work, studying, etc and procrastinate with the best of them.  Sure, your now-failing grades may get you kicked out of your top-choice university and land you back at Quiznos perfecting the art of sandwich toasting, but at least there you have toast. And with all the extra time you’ll have to converse with the other board members about John Kerry’s eerie resemblance to a mule or the two movies in theaters that are actually worth $7, isn’t it worth it to be scraping by on $115 a week with no degree to speak of? I trust you’ll agree that the answer is yes, my friends.

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