Now, I know all of you have read "How to Pick up Men" in the previous BW issue. And I think I speak for everyone
when I say, "HAHA! I scored 4 times! 4! Twice on an Ikea dresser! THANKS F.A.M.M.!!!!!!"
But now it's time take that flirting and hooking up to a whole 'nother level. It's time to get yourself a husband. An Amish
husband, in particular.
1) Do you even live near Amish?
First, you must live in the rural 'towns' of America, known as Minnesota, Iowa, Ohio, anything in the midwest.
If you don't, THEN YOU'RE SCREWED! And unfortunately for you, I don't mean literally. Pack up your belongings and move to
your local hickville if you want to proceed with the "How to Get Yourself an Amish Husband" steps.
2) Narrowing down potential husbands.
Now, unless you live in Montana or Utah, and you practice polygamy, I'm afraid you can only have one
husband. So, it is recommended that you narrow your list to three potentials. Why three, you ask? Incase your first and/or
second choice falls under the following descriptions, known as "You know your Amish is freaky deaky when..."
1) He is betrothed to an Amish woman; and trust me,
you don't want to feel the wrath
of an Amish woman.
2) He's gay. Yes, Gaydism has even reached the steps
of the Amish. They still have yet
to discover light bulbs
or running water, but they already know how to
"sin in the eyes of the Lord."
3) He is a creepy molester. You may find this out if a
body part is cut off, such as
the penii. Good luck
finding this out before you're married.
4) He has a very small penis or no penis at all.
(Usually do to falling under #3)
5) He secretly wants in your mama's pants.
6) He's a crazed serial killer and he will murder you
like he did his previous wives.
Trust me, you are a Badger. One or even two of your potentials WILL fall under one of these, if not more.
So it's always good to have backups. So start driving down gravel/dirt roads and look for 'em Amish hotties! And please
do not honk at them, as it may scare them or their livestock. You don't want a butt-nutty horse kicking your Amish
fella in the face or worse, the penii.
3) Attracting and getting to know your Amish potentials.
Now that you have yourself a fine list of suitors, it's time to catch their attention and strike up a conversation.
(The main purpose of the latter is to find out if he falls under any of the "You know your Amish is freaky deaky when...."
But, of course, finding out #3 will take some major whoring skills. Fret not, my student. You must keep in mind that you are
a badger. Whoring comes naturally to us.)
4) You got yourself an Amish man. Now, how the hell do you get a ring on your finger?
Yes, I know it took you a lot of work and many many sex-less months to get here, but you finally did it. You
finally got a man, but you haven't a ring. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Like any other man, your Amish sweet needs a
little nudge. A little something to make him want to go the extra mile. Now, what can you do to make this possible? Show some
skin. He's a MAN for marf's sake, and like ANY man, he thinks with his penis. So come on show a little ankle, flash a little
wrist..But DON'T give him a sneaky peak at your shoulders. You don't want to be the common whore of the Amish community. Save
that for your wedding night.
5) Okay, so your engaged.....But you don't have a ring. Instead, you got a nicely woven basket. You're Amish,
now, remember? YOU DON'T GET A RING!
W00ts! You're well on your way to becoming a Smug-Married! You even have the basket to prove it! Do your girlfriends
have a basket? No, I don't think so! So, now that you're engaged, it's time to for the sacred Amish rituals to begin. There
will be beheading of chickens and dancing with horses, naked. Oh, and we can't forget the quilt-making-whilst-steering-a-buggy-blind-folded
tradition. Fret not, you'll be a'ight. <.< >.> *continues on to the next step*
6) W00ts! You're finally married and it is now your wedding night!
.....Wow. I'll be honest, I didn't think you'd make it this far. What? What?! You're a badger! Do you KNOW
how many things you have going against you just.because.of.that.little.thing? But, you beat the odds. Congratulations! Now,
seeing as it's your wedding night, you know what needs to be done. You know what you need to do to keep your Amish man doing
the hippidy dippidy with any other woman. Yes, *nods* it's finally time to whip out......the shoulders!!!! And whatever follows
that is up to you.
So, that's that. May your Amish-Man hunting be prosperous. And may you have many nights of shoulder-flashing!