Baderstaff Wheneverly Volume: 2 Issue:3

Fiction - Amber, Laura, Mav

Hick Harry goes to the Big City


A fanfic brought to you by Amber B, Mav and Laura, AKA The Flannel.  

A fanfic brought to you by Amber B, Mav and Laura, AKA The Flannel.  

This story came about when Laura and I visited Mav this past summer. I posted in on the board then, so some of you have read it already. Here it is again for all badgers to enjoy. If you like this one, look for the next installment in the next issue of BW. That’s right, we wrote a sequel!


Disclaimer: We no own. Well, the insane plot, maybe. But all character names belong to JK Rowling.  


Rating from the editor: ...uh...I dunno PG-13 for...language?

Harry Potter stared out of the window of his trailer in the Shade Low trailer park wearing his John Deere green flannel shirt. He contemplated his simple life and decided that there had to be more to life than the trailer that he rented and his job at Ed's tire and auto. He had to get out of Hick Town and see the world. He packed a burlap potato sack with his possessions and headed for the Big City.

Harry stepped off the Greyhound bus after nightfall in downtown Big City and wrapped his flannel shirt about him for comfort, like a big security blanket. He looked about in shock. The Big City wasn't at all like Harry's laid back life at the trailer park. Here the people were so busy, bustling about here and there and not looking friendly in the least. He felt overwhelmed and lost and yearned for the familiarness of his trailer. He wandered slowly down the street, not sure where he should go or what he should do. Suddenly, he spotted a very beautiful young woman in revealing clothing who approached him with a smile.

"Finally, someone who might help me," he thought.

"Hello handsome. That's quite a sexy flannel shirt you have on there. What's your name?" said the brunette woman in a seductive voice.

"I'm Harry, nice to meet you. What's yours?"

"What do you want it to be?"

"Umm... I don't know. Don't you have one already?"

"Well, yes, it's Hermione. Look, we shouldn't really stay on the street, it isn't safe. If the wrong people see us, we'll both end up behind bars. Why don't you come with me?"

"Alright," Harry agreed, grateful that he would have a place to stay his first night in the Big City. He began to walk away from the bus stop with Hermione when they were suddenly approached by another, slightly less attractive woman.

"Hello there, handsome stranger. I love the flannel," said the second, redheaded woman in an oddly deep voice.

"Back off Ginger, he's mine," said Hermione.

"You obviously don't care about him, you're just in it for the money!" Ginger shouted as they brushed past him... errr, her.

"You know I need to make quota!" Hermione shot back over her shoulder as she kept walking.

"Who was that?" asked Harry, quite confused by the exchange that has just taken place.

"My half brother Ron. He's a drag queen who goes by the name of Ginger Snap. We work for the same person and share an apartment."


He walked to Hermione's apartment with her, clutching his burlap bag tightly so that the thieves of the Big City wouldn't take advantage of him.

"So... what can I do you for?" asked Hermione after they'd arrived at her small, two bedroom apartment.

"Errr, a glass of water would be nice," Harry replied.

Hermione filled a glass with tap water and handed it to Harry. He drank it and made a face. It was the most horrible tasting water he'd ever had, but he didn't want to say to in front of his hostess.

"What would you like to do tonight?" asked Hermione as Harry wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his flannel shirt.

"Oh I don't know. I've had a long day so I'd like to go to bed soon."

"Ah, a man who knows what he wants. No foreplay?"


"Well I guess it's up to you. You're the customer, after all."

"Customer? What are you talking about?"

"I approached you, you agreed to come with me! That generally implies that you are willing to pay me to fulfill your sexual fantasies!" Hermione exclaimed, obviously very frustrated.

"Whoa, wait a minute! You never said anything about sex and neither did I!"

"Is it possible that you're really that naive? Where are you from, anyway?"

"The Shade Low trailer park just outside of Hick Town."

Hermione began to laugh in disbelief. "Oh this is grand... wait till Malfoy finds out about this. A whole night's wages lost because of some innocent boy from Hick Town. And I suppose this is your first time in the Big City?"


"Well, I suppose you might as well stay the night since you're already here," said Hermione, taking pity on him. She went into her bedroom and emerged a few minutes later with a blanket. "You can sleep on the couch."

Harry curled up on the couch with the blanket. He was beginning to regret his decision to come to the Big City.

Harry was awakened early the next morning when Ginger Snap (aka Ron) stormed into the apartment.

"HERMIONE WHERE ARE YOU!?" he/she thundered.

Hermione opened her bedroom door a crack and stuck her head out. "Whatsamatter?" she asked groggily.

Harry sat up to watch the scene that was about to go down.

"Did you take my purple rhinestone clip-on earrings?" he/she asked.

"Of course not! Why would I want those hideous things when I've got real diamonds?"

Ginger sank down onto the couch next to Harry and began to sob. "They're missing. I was hoping you had them..."

He/she looked up and realized that Harry was sitting right next to him/her. "Wow, still here are you? That must have been some night, huh?"

"Yeah, some night," Hermione replied, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I suppose I'll have to go buy some more earrings. I'll be back later," said Ginger as he/she stood up from the couch and left the apartment. Hermione closed the door to change and came out a few minutes later.

“I have a few errands to run. I'll be back later," Hermione said in a very vague tone. She hurried out the door of the apartment, leaving Harry with a suspicion that she was hiding something from him.

Hermione walked quickly through the streets of the Big City, wondering how in the world she was going to explain to her pimp Draco that she hadn't met quota this week. She arrived at the door of his penthouse suite and rang the doorbell, then waited nervously for him to answer the door. He opened the door with a coy smile.

"Why hello Hermione, long time no see. I hope you've got something for me."

"I do have money for you... just not as much as you were expecting."


"I didn't make quota."

"You know my father's not going to be happy about this. He gets a cut of everything you earn since he's the big pimp daddy of the Big City."

Draco glared at Hermione. He wanted to teach her a lesson for not doing what was expected of her. But he couldn't. She was his top ho, and if he made her too angry she might decide to run away and then he would be screwed. Well not literally, but you get the idea.

"Go make me my mac and cheese, biotch!" he shouted angrily and bitch- slapped Hermione.  She ran submissively into the kitchen and made Draco a bowl of Easy Mac.

"If only I hadn't bet all my money on the roulette wheel when I was on vacation in Atlantic City, I wouldn't have had to borrow money from Malfoy and I wouldn't be making his damn mac and cheese right now!"

She spit in his Easy Mac for good measure before delivering it to him. After taking her leave of him, Hermione returned to her apartment.

Hermione entered the apartment to find Harry and Ron (no longer in drag) chatting it up on the couch.

"I could go for a drink about now. Who's with me?" she asked.

"I got new purple rhinestone earrings!" said Ron, showing them off excitedly.

"That's nice. Are you coming with me or not?"


The three of them went to Hermione's favorite bar, a little hole-in-the- wall place that looked kinda shady to Harry. He noticed a man standing in the corner. As they ordered their drinks, Harry realized with unease that the man was staring at them. He pulled his flannel shirt more tightly about him for comfort. The man approached them, and Harry couldn't help but notice his black greasy hair and hooked nose.

"I got weed if you want any," he offered.

"No thanks," Hermione replied.




"Dammit Snape, we don't want anything!"

"Fine, don't get pissy with me. Who's your friend?"

"His name is Harry."

"Interesting. There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"Really? What's that?"

"Well, back in the day, Lucius Malfoy (you know, the big pimp daddy of the Big City)-"

"I know-"

"-had a ho named Lily. She was his top ho, always brought in a ton of money. Lucius got a bit too friendly with her and she got knocked up. But then Narcissa his wife found out, and was none too pleased, especially since she was pregnate as well. She took Lily to the Jerry Springer show to get things straightened out. Lily ended up moving to a trailer park just outside of Hick Town, where she married her cousin."

"Fascinating. Is there a point to this story?"

"Hold on dawg, I'm gettin there. Lily was Harry's mother, and her cousin was your father. So you, Ron... errr Ginger, Harry, and Draco are all related to each other."

"How do you know that?"

"I used to be one of Lucius' hos too. I started dealing drugs because it pays better."

"I was better off not knowing all of that, Snape."

The next day, Harry bid farewell to Ron and Hermione and got on the bus back to Hick Town. He missed his simple life in the Shade Low trailer park. Maybe his trailer and Ed's tire and auto weren't so bad after all

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