And yea, the holiday season is upon us. From October onto late February, we are lost to a realm of season's greetings, cheap lawn decorations, obligatory gift-buying and throngs of people we don't really like. Why do we subject ourselves to such abuse? I don't know. This article isn't about that.
Halloween itself is delightful in many ways. Creative costumes, the thrill of a full moon hanging in the bare tree branches, groups of giggling children going door to door. But all of that is a semblance of what Halloween really is. Cheap K-Mart Spiderman suits that give children hives, bitterly cold fall weather, sullen little mugs demanding free candy in return for not vandalizing your property.
But I'm here with a nifty little list of tips that are sure to help put the EEE! back in dEEElightful. Make your Halloween a fun and memorable one this year.
1. Who says that you have to give out candy on Halloween? It's tradition, yes, but variety is indeed the spice of life. I recommend you give those dear little trick-or-treaters something useful that they can use to enhance their every day life, as opposed to sugary fun-sized monstrosities. Such as foot cream. Time-share brochures. Those little soy sauce packets that come with take-out Chinese food. Condoms. Floss. They will thank you most heartily for these precious gifts.
2. It isn't fair that just because some kid puts a football helmet on, you have to give him candy. The least that they could do in return is say "thank you" or offer to rotate your tires. But no, they prefer to mumble something about already having too many Snickers and trample your flowerbed on their way out. Little punks. But if you want to guarantee a little gratitude this year, I recommend several methods. You could threaten to release the hounds; whip out your Mace; say you have a pet monkey who has the Ebola Virus; spritz them with water and scold their upbringing. Whatever you do, make sure you get a THANK YOU!
3. Playing tricks should not be limited to Halloween and April Fool's only. It is a time honored tradition that should be celebrated every day of the year. Sometime in mid-July, soap your co-worker's car windows or leave a bucket of water teetering precariously on a door ledge. Nothing is more satisfying than pointing and laughing at others' misfortune.
4. Barney said we should share, and he was right. Next time you're enjoying a Smartie from your Halloween candy stash, don't hesitate to bite it in two and offer half to a friend or family member. Generosity of spirit is almost as important as getting the bigger half.
5. And finally...turns out "Naked Troll Doll" is not an acceptable costume. Who knew?