How to pick up Men By: Margo, MJ, Fion, and Amber

How to type into your toaster : A tutorial by Thean (AleXx)
How to pick up Men By: Margo, MJ, Fion, and Amber
Poetry Corner
Questions for Fion
Badgerstaff Wheneverly : Volume 2, Issue 1

Or, as the editor calls it, How to Win a Guy in Ten Days
*please note, the editor does not ensure that these tactics will, in fact win a guy in ten days she just thinks it's witty

How To Pick Up Men

So, a few of the "boy-experts" on the boards decided to spread the ever-coveted knowledge of "The Sex" to others who are less successful in the ways of wooing.

All right, who am I kidding? We’re just as clueless as the next. Perhaps even more so.

Below are four different ways to attract those of the opposite sex, as used by their authors. (Except mine. I don’t usually flaunt myself around, scantily clad and picking up any fertile- looking boy…really, I don’t)

Mind you, these are mere suggestions. Don’t take our word for it.



"How to Attract a 21-Year-Old, Brown-haired Actor" - MJ

Attracting a 21-year-old, brown-haired actor is no small feat - it takes a few months of hard-core research, patience, thwappage, verbal-abuse, and a lot of insanely bizarre luck. Through this article, I will attempt to convey some of the simple techniques of how I have accomplished this feat, and got a 21-year-old, brown-haired actor to give me his mobile number, email address, and to say "I had a dream about you last night, but I can’t tell you about it."

It’s not about what you know; it’s about WHO you know. This is crap. I found my specimen through sheer dumb luck. The reality of life is that you never know who will pop in and out of it. When you least expect they will materialize. You never know when you will be forced from Ireland back to your little hometown in rural Canada and get a temporary position with a theatre company. While rural Canada can get extremely boring, nothing compares to being backstage after a theatrical performance - a lot of guys getting naked.

Research! Research! Research! Finding out something, preferably whether or not he is available, is the first stage in the process. Now through this process, you may have to suffer through some TMI (Too Much Information), which may or may not be of any use for your purposes. For instance, learning things like his inseam and shoe size can be very misleading. I highly suggest disregarding any common beliefs and finding the facts through hard-core research. Often times this may involve some snooping (i.e. eavesdropping on conversations, asking other people) or, it may other times be as simple as just outright asking (remember, guys are generally oblivious).

The Mobile Number. Once you’re completely satisfied with the information you’ve collected, the next step is crucial. You must get his mobile number. Again, like the other research, this may entail asking other people, "accidentally" finding it on a job application, or outright asking. I personally prefer options #2 and #3. They show the individual that you’ve put the effort into acquiring their number. WARNING: Sometimes, your targeted male may have a little opposition to giving out his mobile number. If so, ditch him and go for the next one. Of course I’m joking… always follow the 2 P’s: Patience and Persistence.

Flirting Techniques. When it comes to flirting, it is not just an accident or good fortune - it is a perfectly planned and executed strategy. Here’s a five step guide to flirting:

1. Eye Contact! Eye contact is THE most important approach to attracting a guy. Eye contact sends out vibes that you are very interested in him and what he has to say. Also, it’s a good opportunity for him to see how beautiful your eyes are! Yes, I’m a sap - leave me alone.

2. Create the ideal balance of paying attention to him and ignoring him. Guys generally don’t like when girls are always around them. Neither do they like it if girls are always ignoring them or being cheeky with them. Therefore, you must observe his behaviour patterns (yes, this will take some time), and adapt to the situation, while being your intelligent, funny, nice self (I.e. If he seems in a bad mood, lay off and wait until he comes to you. When he does, ask what’s bugging him, and then offer some good ol’ humour to cheer him up).

3. Don’t complain. Many people find it useful to start conversation by complaining about something that they may have in common with their interest. (i.e. This weather sucks; I can’t stand it raining all the time… blah blah blah). Even if you feel like crap, and you honestly believe something sucks, always try to find the positive in something. In my general experience, you become and feel like the people you associate with.

4. Make excuses to be around him, or to associate with him. Well, obviously the more you are around the guy, the more you will get to know him, and the more he will get to know you. First off, being friends before anything else is always a good bet. Secondly, making little excuses to be around him not only makes you feel good, but shows that you want to be in his presence. Also, I suggest making any excuses for physical contact as well. (i.e. If you are cold, mention it a couple of times. If you’re lucky, he’ll offer his coat, or put his arms around you to warm you up. Extra hint: If he does put his arms around you, make sure you take full advantage of the opportunity and grab a quick hug). And if you’re really lucky, like me, the guy will voluntarily jump in your lap - how that happened, I’m not sure. I’ll write an edited version if I figure it out.

5. Be Yourself. While I can give you all the little tips in the world on how to attract a guy, the most important is to be yourself. You are cute, funny, intelligent, and nice. You know it, I know it, and soon the guy will know it as well. And if he doesn’t, I’ll send my special Mafia contact to clear up the matter (I muv you!). Actually, if he doesn’t, it’s because you’re not connecting and it would be a crap relationship anyway. Cut your losses and move on.

By this time, you’ve figured out that this article is not actually about attracting a 21-year-old, brown-haired actor at all - it’s about attracting guys in general. However, to complement the ever-increasing oddities of my life, that just happens to be the type of guy I attracted/is attracted to. Did I mention he has a girlfriend? (Stay tuned for tips on how to forget about a 21-year-old, brown-haired actor who has a girlfriend... once I figure it out).

Gurble Gurble.


Margo’s Sure Fire Way to Pick Up Those With Penii - Margo

So, you’re interested in that species with that thing dangling there between their legs, are you? I warn you, just because some of them may have nicely chiseled jaw lines, rock hard abs, large feet, perfectly tender buttocks, broad shoulders, normal sized eyebrows (that you swear are waxed), beautifully long eyelashes, toned muscles, sexy chins, big, strong hands, long necks, a very huge and very long…er, we’re wandering away from the point a bit, aren’t we? Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Just because some of them may be painfully gorgeous in every way possible, good luck picking them up without these four handy tips I’m about to give you. Right now. Here we go…

1) Catch their eye

Firstly, boys are very simple minded. It is important not to distract them with your clothes. Wearing busy prints or bright colours will only confuse them. Keep your cheetah prints and gold necklaces in the closet until you’re older and thoroughly ready to enter the world of Cougar-dom. Infact, it’s best to wear as little as possible (I suggest going nude, but in some places this is illegal. Quite a bore if you ask me). Showing copious amounts of skin will ensure an ogle of sorts. Once the glazedeye-slackjawed-stare is engaged, you are ready to move on to phase two.

2) Keep them interested

Now most boys aren’t big on conversation, actually, their ideal world would consist of no talking - all sex. Maybe a bit of football, too. Keep this in mind when engaging in friendly banter. Approach the objective and make sure to jiggle lots. They like that (But not too much, as they might become over stimulated). Keep the whole talking thing as brief as possible. Use phrases that initiate the point. Some of my favourites are " Broom closet", "Wheelchair washroom", "My bed", "Your bed" etc. Your name is inconsequential.

3) Getting from point a to point b

Well done! You’ve got his attention and you’ve kept it. You could already consider this a success. But thanks to nature, if Man doesn’t participate in the nasty horizontal regularly, he will either be left to his own devices or left in a painful predicament. So, time to get the show on the road. Often, sex is laden with awkward fumbling with buttons, ties, pants etc. A way you could sidestep these cumbersome situations is by wearing easy-access clothes. These would include skirts, tank tops and zipper crotch panties. Or, just forget about undergarments all together (Which is what I would suggest). Now after you’re all properly naked, the next acts are purely up to you. Be creative!

4) After the Nasty-Wasty-Funky-Spunky-Horizontal-Bedsheet-Tango

Pillow talk. Something that has tainted sex for generations, and most likely generations to come. Don’t bother with it. It’s a waste of time. Instead, offer the male a glass of water and perhaps a breath mint. Say your goodbyes and leave it at that.

If your evening of fornications was successful, there may or may not be a call in order in the imminent future. But, no matter how well the shagging went, it’s hard to predict whether that Penis-Bearing mammal may phone. Though they may be simple minded, they are next to impossible to calculate. So, good day, good luck and good sexing!


"Sure, I’ll dance with you. No, I won’t sleep with you. Deal with it." - Amber B

Well, being a girl who goes to fraternity parties, I have developed a system of flirting with boys that leaves them rather disappointed in the wee hours of the morning. It goes something like this:

At a frat party, there are usually lots of people dancing. Girls usually stick with their girl friends while the guys stand along the outside of the room, trying to decide which marfy girl they want to dance with and try to take to bed with them later that night.

When I am approached by a boy, I usually dance with him. Unless he’s really drunk and/or really unattractive, and then I just stop dancing altogether and make him look like a total idiot. Well, when one dances with a boy for a while, said boy usually suggests that you "go outside for some air". This is an attempt to separate the girl from her friends and get her alone. If the girl is not inebriated, it’s alright to "go outside for some air" because if they are both attracted to each other, a make-out session will most likely ensue but she is still in control of the situation.

After "going outside for some air" is usually when the boy will try to get the girl to go to bed with him. Now is the time to leave him utterly disappointed, unless of course you really do want to sleep with him. (But I never do.) When he suggests that you go back to his place, simply say "Sorry, but I couldn’t just leave my friends, they’d be looking for me and they’d be worried about me. You understand, right?" Or something to that effect. And then you just leave him and go back to the dance floor.

Cruel? Perhaps. Oh well.

Fion's Three Tips of Flirting - Fion

1) Act completely disinterested.

Many people may not see this as an effective method of flirting. In all truthfulness...said people are probably right. But I do it, so it must be good, right? Right. Because I have SO many guys wanting to date me. You know it. Anyway, I digress. Back to the point at hand - acting disinterested. This is actually a pretty easy thing to do. All you really have to do is stare at your feet and choke out monosyllable answers to everything they say! It also helps to breathe heavily during conversation. This is especially easy if you're like me and unable to do much else around a guy you're attracted to anyway. Guys find this very alluring. It makes them feel as though you hate them, and this intrigues them. At least it does for a while. After about a month, they get bored and move on. But initially it works very well, and I think that's all that really matters here.

2) Complement his grammatical talents.

This one only really works if the male in question has grammatical talents and if you have the means of assessing said talents. So preferably, you should either sign up for some sort of writing class with the guy or find some other way to read something he has written. Once you've done that, be sure to use phrases like, "Wow, you have really great sentence structure!" Or, "I wish I could use verbs like you do." It's also beneficial to throw in the occasional, "You are, hands down, the most talented user of semi-colons I have ever met." These are foolproof ways to let a guy know you're interested. After all, you wouldn't complement the grammar of someone you didn't want marf, now would you? I didn't think so.

3) Insult him, harass him, injure him, etc.

This is, quite possibly, my favorite of the three. Not only is it a great flirting technique, it's also great fun. Be sure not to be skimpy when it comes to this one. Don't limit yourself to just one part like insults or rock throwing. Try many different techniques: throw rocks on Monday, call him an asswipe on Tuesday, randomly smack him upside the head on Wednesday, etc. To use one of my favorite clichés (and everyone else's, I assume): variety is the spice of life. This point is also really good for determining whether or not a guy is worthy of you. If you call him a dickhead and he responds by calling you a bitch and never talking to you again, it was never meant to me. If you call him a dickhead and he responds by falling all over you, he is yours forever.


So, we leave you with that. You will never in your life (ever!) find a better and more reliable source of "How To Pick Up Men".


No matter what approach you choose, whether it is the time trusted "I Hate Men" technique, or perhaps the complete opposite "Easy As Pie" method, may your marfing be happy!

Comments, Submissions?